My Husband Has Amazing Faith About My Daughter’s Much-Needed Medication. OE Delivered Too Much.

Care and Nutrition is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question about Care and Nutrition? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Nutrition,

My husband and I are having a huge argument about our 15 year old daughter’s ADHD medication. I have been the main parent but I kept him in tact. He always had problems at school, he forgot important things, he missed the things he enjoyed because he was confused or forgetful. Our sons are not like that, and for a long time my husband was convinced that he was not trying. Her old doctor quit, and her new doctor immediately referred her for an ADHD physical. Her symptoms were clear and her doctor worked with her and me to find the right medication. The doctor and I talked to him seriously about the injuries, but it was still okay.

Over the summer I held onto his medication and reminded him to take it every day. He was very happy about it. He was happier and more focused, and his coach even noted a remarkable improvement in focus and coordination in preseason games. His sport was something he always loved, but he often forgot important dates or events.

This fall I suddenly travel a lot for work, and my husband lost his job and is home more. I asked my husband to take her and give her medicine. He said he would.

This week she came to me in tears and said she was afraid that her medication was unsafe…

but he feels that he will not be able to do school without them. Apparently, my husband freaked out when he found spiel controlled substances at the pharmacy. He has been preventing random doses, because he is convinced that accidentally breaking the medication will prevent addiction and force him to be more responsible in school. He passed this fear on to her.

I am angry. It’s clear that he hasn’t paid attention to the diagnostic process, and seems to think he’s picking up on the symptoms of ADHD. He makes one decision about his life that is not supported by his doctor. We have argued. We had a joint appointment with his doctor. We met with a different doctor for a second opinion. He insists that he has already compromised by letting him take it at all. This sounds like it’s about our daughter, not about controlled substances. I can’t imagine him doing this to our sons, although a month ago I wouldn’t have seen him doing that to him either. What am I doing there?

—I’m worried about Waukesha

Dear Worried,

I would argue that this is not about controlled substances or about your daughter. It’s about you manhis kidnapping, and his complete betrayal of his family.

I speak from experience when I say that it is common for some parents to feel anxious and conflicted about their children taking medication for mental health issues, including ADHD. For parents who grew up in the 1980s and 1990s, like myself, putting a child on medication can still feel like a sign of failure for both parent and child.

This has been true for many parents I know. It was true of me! And you know what all those parents ended up doing? We passed it. We dealt with our problems and, guided by medical professionals and the wishes of our children, we understood that conditions like ADHD are not a choice made by children to confuse their parents. Sometimes slowly, sometimes reluctantly, good parents accept that the medicine that makes your child feel happier is overcoming the mental problems that cause them to suffer needlessly,’ and find success where there has been failure—that it is a medicine that does all good.

One thing parents are good at I did not what they do is lie to their partners about how to cope, refuse pills on purpose, and convince their children that they have failed to take their medication. That’s what your husband did, and I would put this in stages almost the unforgivable, the guilt that is fully exonerated. Yes, I said “divorce”! He has put your child’s mental and emotional health at risk based on his half-hearted understanding of modern psychotherapy.

I think you need to make it very clear to your husband, if you haven’t already: His decision to refuse medication was not a strategy that helped your daughter, or had a neutral effect on her, but hurt him. He did not “compromise”; he hurt his child on purpose and he blamed you for it. In fact, he violated the first order of parenthood, and if he does not understand and accept that, I think that you have no future together. Those are the words you should use when talking to him about it, especially in couples therapy.

Ask him what he thinks made your daughter happy this summer, when she found success and happiness in activities that used to destroy her. Do you think you are just pregnant? choose to be responsible, instead of choose to forget before? If he insists on doing it with those words, ask him: Do you think it was just a coincidence? possible to “choose” responsibility at the right time in his life when he started taking ADHD medication? Does he think that his condition in this fall—the crying, the uncertainty, the lack of joy—is evidence of how wise his decisions have been?

So let’s say you live with him. He apologizes, and says he sees the error of his ways. I would encourage the three of you to make an appointment with the doctor, so that the doctor can calm your daughter’s fears with her medication—and that she can hear her father agree to all of that. what the doctor says. Create a system—including pill organizers, sticky notes, and frequent phone alarms—that puts your daughter’s medications in her hands as much as possible, by checking in regularly. And I would continue couples therapy with the stated goal of your husband rebuilding trust in you and his child after his violent betrayal.

– Mother